Damn Dogs

Dear Readers,

I recently moved into an apartment. I love my apartment. It may be shitty. It may be one of the worst places I have lived. And it might remind me of a hotel, which is alright. The only difference between my apartment and a hotel is that there are no maids, no room service, I have to make my own bed, and there are dogs.
I hate dogs. I have never liked dogs. While all of the young girl were obsessed with puppies and had their cute little dog posters, I became a fan of pigs. I have never liked dogs.
When people ask me why I am not really sure what to say to them. I have been thinking recently and I now have the top five reasons I hate dogs.
1. They smell. Dogs can't bath themselves. They can't take showers, so of course they have no hygiene. They don't smell good unless their owners bath them, and truth be told they do not do that nearly enough. As a result of their lack of bathing, they always smell. Dogs get into more crap then humans, but we shower ever day. Why don't they? They always smell awful. Especially wet dogs. Agghh... I shudder just thinking about it.
2.  They piss and shit everywhere. I was walking home today and I saw a dog just take a crap on a lawn and then the owner and the dog just walked away. Really?!?!?! I don't want to see human pull down their pants and take a good long piss on a wall so why would I want to see a dog do that? It's honestly ridiculous!!! It is gross! I don't want to smell your dogs shit, so pick it up or toilet train them!
3.  They are noisy. Have you ever been sitting enjoying the quiet, and then out of no where some damn dog barks and whines and you are no longer happy? It happens to me all the time. I can hear the yippy dog three apartment down, and it just ruins my day.
4. They ruin conversations and are extremely distracting. Okay here is another situation for you. You are standing outside having a nice conversation with someone and then a dog goes by. They stop what they are saying and look at the damn dog. That takes about three minutes. Three minutes of lost conversation. Three minutes of watching someone freak out over a damn dog that isn't even cute. Damn dogs.
5. They are ugly. No matter how many people tell me that dogs are cute I will never agree. They are ugly, and that's all there is to it.
So fuck dogs. I hate them, and now you know why.
Lindsey

No Hills to Frolic Through, Just a List of the Most Bitching Things Ever

Dear Readers,

Yesterday I was in a really bad mood. I had no faith in humanity. I was just about ready to forge into the forest and not look back. I was just about ready to abandon society and live off the land in some remote area. However today I feel more optimistic. After eating a fantastic breakfast, going outside, buying some chocolate, and watch many many hours of No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain the world has a wonderful shimmer to it. Everything seems bright and new. Hopefully there wasn't anything in the brownies I ate earlier...
In an almost response to yesterdays post I would like to share a few of my favorite things. I could start singing you A Few of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music, but I don't have any mountains to frolic through I will spare you of that and just go on to listing shit.

• These have no particular order so I am going to use bullets instead of numbers. Okay lets start off with one of my life long loves. Food. I love food. I love all food. I even love shitty food because then it makes good food taste so much better. I just love food. I am more partial to desserts, but I love everything. I already mentioned that I watched and ungodly amount of No Reservations today. That show is amazing. It is basically following a super bad ass guy around the globe watching him eat some of the best looking food every made. My mouth was watering the whole time. So much food. So much meat. So much good looking stuff. I just wanted to eat everything. After watching the episode in Austin, I was tempted to jump on a plane and get my ass to Texas to eat some barbecue. I just don't think I could love food anymore. 
• My second love, books. I love reading books. I love buying books. I love looking at books. I love holding books. Most of all I love smelling books. I love books the way some sluts love men. I don't think I could live without them. I love books like a fat kid loves cake (thank you 50 cent for that wonderful simile). I can honestly not say anything more because I can't even put my love into words that describe it. 
• Now we are going to get a little more specific. Full belly laughing. What can be better then someone or yourself laughing whole heartedly? Throwing your head back and letting out a long strain of ha's feels so good. How can you not love your belly shaking and your sides feeling like they might cave in? There is nothing better for the soul (except fried chicken or chicken and noodles on mashed potatoes) then letting yourself laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, or is that morphine I am not really sure... But seriously laughing is the best!! 
• Warm clothes. I know that doing the laundry sucks. It sucks even more that I have to pay $1.50 per load. However, there is one reward. Being able to fold clothes just coming out of the dryer. Oh yeah. They are warm, smell good, clean, and did I already say warm? Dryer clothes are the best. If I had a dryer in my apartment I would put on my pj pants straight from the warm goodness, but since my laundry room is on the 9th floor and it is not just my laundry room I can not do that. Even though sometimes I am tempted to just strip down right there; come on who needs more encouragement to strip then a warm pair of undies and pj pants. 
• Your mom jokes. Honestly who doesn't love a good your mom joke at the right time. When the moment calls on it your mom jokes can be the funniest thing since people walking into poles. I got the best your mom joke story. This summer I worked at the pool. Of course some kids came to the pool that I hated, its only natural. Well this little shit was joking around with me and a co-worker one day. When my co-worker left to go out and guard, me and the little shit agreed the co-worker is a weird dude who does weird stuff. The little shit asks "what is the weirdest thing he has ever done?". A split second went by, and I honestly thought about some of the weird stuff he has done. But then the perfect thing crossed my mind, and before I could stop myself I said it. "Your Mom!!" I burned that kid so bad he had to go get some ice. It was great!! Most people I tell that to think I am awful and scold me for telling that to a kid, but this kid watches Tosh.O and has heard way worse then my harmless your mom joke. So if you are a nay sayer please leave and never come back. And if you don't like a good your mom joke every once and a while then let me show you the little x button at the top right of your screen. 

Well you have had enough of my absolutely hilarious and completely true ideas for the day. So children go out and live your lives by my rules, and remember that nothing beets food, books, laughing, warm clothes, and your mom joking. NOTHING!!
Lindsey

The New and Improved List of Grievances

Dear Readers,

College... Its the life! I sit on my ass, get up make some food, go to class, come back, some more sitting, maybe some cleaning, and eventually some mind numbing interweb surfing. Hooray for college!!
Well during my internet surfing today I found one of the most retarded things I have ever found on the internet. After that I boarded a train of thought of all of the things I hate in the world. So now I will impart my  superior wisdom and infinite knowledge to you.
I now start my list of grievances.
1.     Here is the absolutely stupid thing I found on the interweb tonight.

Okay... if you read it and realized you have felt like that before please click the little x thingy at the top of your screen and get the fuck off my blog. How the fuck do hunger and missing someone come together? They are totally different feelings. I just can't even think of anything more to say about this one. I just hate fucking idiots, so don't be one and I probably won't hate you.
2.     Besides people I hate elevators. My new apartment building has really shitty elevators. I swear every time the little bell dings to say it has reached my floor my life flashes before my eyes and I say a really quick pray apologizing for all of the awful things I have done. Here is the part where you are sitting there thinking 'why not just take that stairs. are you to fat to get off your lazy ass and walk down the stairs'. Well no jackass I am not that lazy, but my shitty apartment building has emergency exit only stairs. They do not go out to the first floor. They go out to the parking lot and they have an alarm on the door. It's like this buliding wants me to die, either from obesity or a fatal elevator crash. I hate elevators. What is wrong with stairs?
3.     Other blogs. While stumbling around on the internet I come across many many many many blogs. And most of them suck. My blogs don't suck. I am not stupid. Many of those shitty ass girl blogs could be written by spastic monkeys for all I know. They are just so awful. If I see one more blog about how some mom like being a stay at home mom, baking for her kids, making shitty crafts, and being a wife I think I might blow out my brains. The very same people polluting the internet with the sewage, corrupt the dessert industry. To many old washed up ladies think they don't need proper training to bake things. They know how to make frosting and open up a box cake mix, so that means they can jump on the band wagon and make money by decorating cakes and making desserts. I will let you in on a secret, you can't do that. Baking like any other profession takes training and experience. So until you go to school or study under some famous French chef stop! Stop making your dumb cupcakes, and please for everyone on the internet stop blogging about it.
4.      Okay I am just going to leave it at three things today because I basically hate everything and my hand would cramp and your eyes would dry out before I could list all of my grievances.
Please for the love of all that is good and pure in the world stop being retarded and follow me rules!!!!
Lindsey